It gets better

Okay before anyone reads any further, I am placing a trigger warning on this post. I have tried to word this the best I possibly can but I understand these things can be touchy subjects which is why I’ve never dedicated a post to it before. I have chosen to write this as I have struggled a lot with suicidal thoughts over the years as well how mental illnesses have affected me physically alongside mentally. It’s important to recognise although mental illness is an internal battle it can be just as external.

Also would like to note I describe the way my mental illnesses have affected me in the past yet it doesn't mean they affect me like this all the time, so if you have met me just know I wasn't always putting on a facade just sometimes. I have focussed on drawing on my experience over the last few years, so most things aren't pinpointed to a single moment….also, read to end if you are reading as it gets positive there.

The thought of ending your life is a scary thought and the only reason I could never act on them is due to not wanting to hurt those who care about me. It’s a complex subject as the thoughts that come to my head so strongly, have been caused yes from feeling alone but not in the sense I had no one that cared for me. It was more I felt alone in the world, with no real purpose. In the past, I have tried to terminate both romantic and friendship relationships cause I didn’t want to hurt anyone if I did act on it. Often the thoughts were most prominent whenever my anxiety or depression were at there peaks. I've only had two sort-of serious relationships and both of them at one point I tried ending, as they were to “in love” with me and I didn't want to hurt them alongside the fact I couldn't comprehend how anyone could love someone who was such a mess internally. My biggest fear was always that my insecurities would eventually push them away (turned out yes this is possible) although it was what I needed. Always I was scared to be alone, cause I never loved myself. To compensate I would rely on others to give me the love I couldn't give myself. Often leaving me to cling onto “love” that I didn't deserve and “love” that hindered my progress to appreciate myself. I would find myself shrivling away, losing my personality and all self-worth to try grasp at the love I told myself I wanted. This doesn't mean its the other persons fault in any way, just that trying to feel something that should come from yourself in someone else isnt going to get you anywhere.

Constantly I battled with thoughts that I'm not good enough in any aspect. Sometimes when I'm meeting new people (usually people that mean a lot to the people that mean a lot to me) my anxiety decides to gets the better of me, turning me mute, even though I am really confident and have outgrown my shyness, I would feel sick to my stomach (occasionally would spew), struggling to get words to leave my mouth, then sit there beating myself up over the fact I am being silent or eventually stuttering when I found words to say. It was an ongoing cycle of trying to speak then not speaking then sitting there silent cause I was getting mad at myself for not speaking. Constantly I thought people didn't like me or found me annoying, even when I hadn’t said anything. Essentially hating yourself really sucks, and can often be physically draining. It would also often result in me having large panic attacks where Id lose control of my whole body. On the weeks my panic attacks are high I will often lose a lot of weight due to getting so wound up. I don't know how to explain this but when my depression was bad it wouldn't just make me feel sad but my whole body would ache of sadness physically leaving me unable to move.

Over the years there have been some nights I wasn't able to sleep unless I imagined myself no longer here as it seemed to bring me a sense of peace. Usually, I would feel this way due to the self-loathing I felt towards myself for having mental health issues that seemed uncontrollable and there forever. Which is another thing I have noticed is a common trend when suicide is talked about. Erasing your existence and problems so abruptly causes peace, yet as easy as it sounds, it will most certainly not bring you peace. Cause “peace” doesn't always come easy to everyone and you need to go through trial and error to see what works for you. Mental illnesses “affected” my life both physically and mentally, leaving me thinking I would be this way forever, which makes giving up seem like such an easy option at the point. Yet as each year goes on I am learning how to handle it better and practising how to try to keep a positive mindset. It can be hard at times but I always do become happy in life again at some point. The most triggering question for me and even to this day I can't think too deeply into is what is the purpose of life?

I can never come up with a” valid” answer. Albeit in saying that why does life have to have an overall purpose. It has its ups and downs, and the unknown. Without the challenges we face and the times we feel broken, shattered beyond repair, we eventually pull our shit together to be happy again. Each bad day or months/years are just moulding us into who we are. I've slowly started to learn to appreciate every bad thing that comes my way and have somehow found a love for pulling myself out of it. Don't know if this works for everyone but I say I'm Brooklyn fucking Fawkner and for some reason, it helps me pull myself together instantly.

Feeling happy in life is portrayed to occur only if your life is going well. For me and maybe others its a mental challenge, you won't be happy if you don't allow yourself to be. To be great at anything you first need to allow yourself to be great or else you'll always face the mental block. Accepting happiness in whatever form it may come from whether it's dancing alone, going for walks, baking, gym or even driving, just do it.

Over the past two months, well probably only last month I have been the “best” or happiest version of myself, which still has a lot more growing to do but I'm happy with how I've done. I've poured every bit of energy I used to dedicate to someone else into me. After doing that for less than two months, I am no longer confused about who I am personality-wise, I am just me and I'm owning it. Every day new goals I will achieve and things that I know will challenge myself mentally and physically are popping into my head. Creating a bewildering excitement within me. My stuttering has decreased immensely and everything I am doing it for me. I’m moving when people told me I shouldn't, which caused me about 6months of having where I was going to be living up in the air. As deep down I knew I wanted to move but felt pressured to stay as people told me that would be best. I got the tattoos people said I shouldn't and I'm dancing around all the time. I am eating whatever I want and training hard. I am also so close to gaining all my weight back that I lost a few months ago and I've never been more confident in my body (probably explains all the bikini pictures on my Instagram hehe). Focussing on myself and my own success has made me happy for the longest time consistently.. Although I'm not going to say I'm happy all the time, I've defiantly had my moments of going out to my car to cry every frequently. Actually just had a wee cry before but I find crying and letting it out is good for me. Nothing worst than trying to hold yourself together until you explode. Yet my crying has mainly been due to feeling overwhelmed with everything I want to do and am doing. Albeit overall I am the happiest and confident version of myself for most of the time. Hence why I am so openly sharing what I have gone through as reassurance not only to those reading this but also myself. As I know I will go through some of these things again and it is something I have learned to accept, yet I am excited to keep trying to fight them and remain positive. No matter how dark times feel there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel. Someone once told me in one of my darkest moments that life will never get better than this, cause shitty things will always happen. I agreed shitty things will happen but not always. There is also so much light left out there. At any time, even as unexpected as it may be your light will be shine again, I just can't say when or how as sadly can't predict the future but it will. Just have to be patient (okay that is rich coming from me, as I am so impatient and impulsive with most things, but I have been patient with my mental health struggles and its paid off). Saying things get better is a promise I can make, and promises mean the world to me. I know the ending may sounds cliche and if I read that when I am at my worst Id be livid cause they “wouldn't understand” how hard it is to live with what I'm going through. Just remember your not alone and you won't be in the deep pit forever, I will do more posts in the future of how I deal with these thoughts and things at the moment but just thought I'd share an introductory post.

Lots of love

Brooklyn Fawkner xoxo