Mini relapse episode

Okay, to start off I feel like the title is far more dramatic than what actually went down as I caught onto it fairly early. I really wanted to share this as I have been recovered for 6 years now and it scared me how easily I fell back into old habits. Especially when I had no intentions to lose the weight, to begin with. Over a few months, I had managed to drop down to my lowest weight in 5 years, to be fair most of this would have come from losing a considerable amount of muscle due to not fueling my body properly. Truthfully if I didn’t have my blog and hadn't shared my recovery so openly, I most likely would have let myself fall into it completely. Anyways I’m going to start from the beginning and write up to where I am now.

A few months ago I had an event happen that made me quite sad and stressed. I simply cannot stomach food when I am in that mindset. During this period I went over 30 hours without a single bite of food. Over the following week, I had to try to force-feed myself anything I could and didn’t let myself go to the gym as I knew I wasn’t fueling my body. This force-feeding consisted of a few spoonfuls of food a day if that. I felt constantly nauseous at the thought of food due to the stress I was under that put my stomach in knots. After a week and a half, my life was back on track, but my appetite had decreased substantially over the previous week. I had also managed to lose a considerable amount of weight within that week. I was still within a healthy weight range but knowing I lost some weight sent endorphins to my brain and subconsciously I was extremely pleased about it. It made me feel so much more confident within my body and I had decided to maintain that weight and build muscle from there. Once I was able to stomach multiple meals a day, I started going to the gym again but I would feel extremely light-headed with each exercise I did. I was weaker than ever, but the gym is the only time of day I have completely to myself, which is probably why I love going so much. I knew the reasoning behind me feeling lightheaded and weak was due to the rapid weight loss and not enough fuel, yet I kept telling myself I was eating enough to fuel these workouts and maintain my weight. Cause, in all honesty, I was happy at the weight I was and wanted to gain muscle mass. Then about two weeks in, my appetite went away again and I started feeling nauseous every time I ate. This caused me to start vomiting after most large meals. As mentioned in previous posts, I'm not a big spewer and never suffered bulimia, so this was new for me and once again unintentional. I then went on nausea pills to try help, myself cause I didn't want to not eat and spew. I am quite unsure how to word this but throughout this whole experience it was essentially me telling myself I was okay and my body and mind being on autopilot doing the opposite, (no clue if that makes sense but I tried). At this point I was fairly stable with my weight, I was eating enough and trying to maintain my weight.

Then some things in my life which meant more than anything to me started getting out of my control once again. As relaxed and go with the flow as I am or come across, everything in my life is under control or I have some idea what is going on. Guess you could say I’m very over-analytical about everything. So when things aren’t going my way or I know I have no say in what’s going on I tend to spiral. Once again this situation was stressful and I turned to control my diet and training subconsciously to make myself feel better. But overall the main reason for the fixation on diet and training came from ( as much as I absolutely hate to admit this) but I started acting and changing myself for another person, despite this being the last they would have wanted. In my head, I thought I was doing the right thing to make this person happy as a desperate attempt to get everything back to the way it was. Everything I did was with this person in mind, what I wore, how I acted and most importantly how I looked. During this process, I lost who I truly was and became so mentally weak. I started becoming obsessed with how my body looked and wanted to look my best. My intention was never to lose weight but just to tone up. I started eating healthier and kept telling myself that I was doing a “clean bulk” to put on muscle. When in reality I was eating less than ever, training harder and cutting out carbs. I rarely ever felt hungry and always had an upset stomach. So I would choose just not to eat if I didn't feel like it. Turns out I felt so sick to my stomach cause I would feel guilty at the thought of eating too much as I wanted to be leaner. Even though I have so much knowledge on how to gain muscle and look better without losing weight, it all just went out the window.

The biggest changes within myself that took me a while to notice and were a reflection of my eating disorder coming back were

• Stupid and completely irrational fear of carbs ( I'm a big advocate on saying carbs are not the enemy but needed to fuel the body, yet it became a fear of mine once again.) which so stupid cause I usually live off only carbs.

• Wearing baggy clothes as I felt uncomfortable in tight ones, but also hide the weight loss, as I didn't want to acknowledge I had and hated people noticing.

• Feeling “full” and “bloated” all the time, even though I really wasn't.

• Seeing my bones starting to come through and despite hating the look of it, I found comfort in them. It's a weird confliction I face, as I can't stand looking too skinny but at the same time, it is a comfort thing.

• Not eating unless I was absolutely starving and even then I found comfort in the hunger

Okay writing these down makes me realise how bad my mindset was and can't comprehend how I was able to convince myself I was okay. But guess the mind is a powerful thing and it's easy to tell yourself you're okay even when you're not.

Eventually, I saw myself looking leaner and my clothes were significantly looser. Although I told myself that I was looking leaner cause I was gaining muscle and my clothes must have just stretched from wearing them so often. I started skipping breakfast almost every morning. Which is a big thing for me because I have always woken up starving my entire life, and eat magority of my food intake in the morning. Then even when I did eat I would often try and make myself spew after, or eat smaller portions. My friends and family started noticing and began pointing out my weight loss. Once again I was in denial and Would agree I had lost weight but reassured everyone including myself I was trying to gain weight. It wasn't until I finally stepped on the scales a week or two out of Christmas for the first time in months and saw how much weight I had truly lost, did the lies I was telling myself slowly fade away. I then realised everything I was thinking and doing was not healthy at all. I was lifting less than I was at the age of 14 and even then I was struggling. I didn't even like the way I looked and it made me uncomfortable yet the tendencies and being able to feel my bones did bring me some satisfaction. Some part of me didn't want to help myself and just let it happen. I knew that I had fallen back, but due to having shared my story so publicly, I couldn't let myself go back, cause I refuse to be a hypocrite. So from that day, I had to fully commit to getting myself back on track. I started focussing on my own well being and changing my mindset. I'm not gonna say it's easy 'cause it's so hard. I usually sit down for my meals and feel miserable because I have no appetite whatsoever but I know I have to eat cause I couldn't afford to lose any more weight. This definitely isn't the best advice but I've been eating a lot of lollies and foods that aren't the best for me but are high in calories just to help for the time being. Because I do love food most of the time but currently my appetite is non-existent. I have been dreading meal times recently and feel like crying because I hate feeling bloated and having to force myself to eat when I'm not hungry. Over the last 3 weeks, I have been able to put on some weight and am now back in my “safe” zone or close to it. I do have a fairly fast metabolism and live an active lifestyle so I have always been able to eat whatever I want without gaining anything, so for me to gain weight it can prove quite challenging. Albeit I have been spending less time at the gym, eating high-calorie foods and taking supplements to aid in putting the weight back on. Once I get to a place I feel comfortable again, I will go back to just eating and doing what I feel but this time I'll be warier to ensure I am still eating. I also have goals to immensely improve my strength and solely focus on me this year which is rather exciting as I have never really done that. So yeah that's my story. Currently, I am in the best mindset I have ever been in my life and am truly happy in the person I am becoming as my life's falling into place again. I no longer hold such an importance on my appearance, which became prevalent due to my lack of a need to look in a mirror or constantly wear makeup and have everything about me intact. I will never ever change myself for another person again, more about this will come up in my future posts about anxiety. So overall I wanted to share this to let everyone know just because your recovery doesn't mean it can't come back even after years and to say life isn't always perfect or goes to plan. Learning to adapt can be hard but in the end, it just makes you stronger.

Hope everyone is doing well

Lots of love

Brooklyn